


Real Fathers

by MarsPolaris



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Parental Death, also implied that tommy has a daughter a la talorly on tumblr, gordan is dead in this fic btw thats the whole reason i wrote it, i hope you enjoy, i made my bf cry beta reading this, implied bubby/coomer, my 'what if benrey was left to raise joshua for some reason' fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:27:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26036395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarsPolaris/pseuds/MarsPolaris
Summary: have you ever in your life had father issues? this fic might be for you!Benrey is the only parent Joshua has left, and being his kid has some ups and downs.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 23
Kudos: 202





	Real Fathers

**Author's Note:**

> i'd much appreciate any comments/feedback you may have since this is only my second fic :D even if it's just to say you liked it

Benrey is staring into a large pot of water on the stove, waiting for it to boil. It was annoying him deeply that he was getting stalled on this one step of a long list of steps on the wikihow for ‘How To Make Spaghetti From Scratch’. And it didn’t help that every step before that required so much effort and irritated him to breaking point already, that this was what was going to boil him over. The lack of instant boiling water. But he kept at it and tried not to lash out any more than he had (the poor cutting board has seen better days and the meatballs are a little burned) because this was all for Joshua. 

Joshua had grown distant from him. Benrey supposes the years of being more like an older brother instead of a father were wearing him down. He’d grown secretive and quiet, more secluded, and moody. Is this puberty? Benrey needed to pick up a book or something on human development, but he’d foregone it so long that now seemed too little too late. 

Joshua was pulling away. And It hurt Benrey to fail at something Gordon needed him to do. To take care of his son. 

This was for Gordon as much as it was for Joshua. 

Benrey didn’t wait for a rolling boil when he dumped in the noodles and turned instead to the mush of tomatoes and paste he had ready as a sauce, looking over his completed work. Maybe this would just work out fine. Not perfect, but fine. 

This is when the home phone rings. There were a few reasons it would ring. Either Joshua wanted help (rarely), Coomer and Bubby (mostly Coomer) were calling in to see how they were doing, or Tommy (who was busy with his own kid) calling Benrey up to keep in touch. So Benrey had no reason to worry about picking up the receiver, that is until the woman on the other end spoke up. 

“Hello, is this the Freeman residence?” Benrey froze, hearing her professional and stern tone already, practically feeling what shade and hue it would be if it was Sweetvoice. It was not a pretty color. 

“Uh, Yeah. This is Benrey. What’s up?” He felt weird implying that he was a Freeman. Even if he practically was it would never be official. And it felt strange to take it without permission. 

“I’m calling about your son, sir. He’s caused some trouble today at school and we’re calling home to make sure this doesn’t happen again.” 

Benrey grew worried, allowing in this time alone that a few sickly green orbs of sweetvoice leave him and float around the kitchen. He listened to her concerns and suggestions for reprimanding while supplying hazy “Uhuh’s” and “Yeah...okay’s”. 

There had only been a couple of times Benrey had tried to teach Joshua how to behave properly. Since he himself wasn’t exactly human and didn’t know proper behavior he mostly left that to Coomer and Tommy when they were in the area. But over the years they’d gotten busy or moved away and now Benrey was on his own, wading through his own lessons on how to behave. It was so hard to pretend you know how to do things when really you are just faking it. 

He swats the bubbles of sweetvoice, popping them away. 

“Thank you, Mr. Freeman, for understanding our concerns. We hope to see Joshua return to class after this short suspension more inclined to treat those around him with respect.” 

“Yeah..Thanks Ma’am.” and the phone was hung up. 

He stood there thinking for a moment before remembering the noodles suddenly and catching it as the pot was over-boiling, bubbled overwhelming the pot and burner. As Benrey tried to save the noodles from overcooking to mush, the front door opens and closes, the lock flipping. 

Benrey sets the pot on a different burner and he turns to see a solemn Joshua walk in. He drops his backpack roughly by the couch and kicks off his sneakers, and tosses them towards the cubby by the door. 

“Hey, You’re in trouble,” Benrey says, leaving the kitchen mess alone for a moment to address Joshua. “A lady called me about what you did toda-” 

“Just leave me alone, I don’t want to hear it,” Joshua growls out at him, angrier than Benrey had yet to see him. 

“No, it's important that you not do...what you did.” He stumbles, trying to remember exactly what the woman had reported to him. 

“What do you know? You never were a kid like me.” Joshua’s words did hurt, but it wasn’t any worse than Benrey had already told himself. 

“I know enough that the school shouldn’t call home about you.” 

Joshua stomps down the hallway, moving to escape into his room. “THEN MAYBE YOU KNOW TO STOP TALKING TO ME, I DON’T WANT TO TALK.” 

With that Benrey’s voice raises back, “NO, YOU COME BACK NOW. I DON’T WANT TO BE THE BAD GUY, BUT MAYBE I HAVE TO. COME HERE!” 

“MY REAL DAD WOULDN’T TREAT ME LIKE THIS, I HATE YOU!” and with that, Joshua slams his bedroom door, effectively pushing Benrey out with finality. 

Benrey stands there, his heart sinking in his chest. Joshua hates him. And he’s going to fail the one thing Gordon asked of him. The last thing he asked of him. A feeling so pained and wounded welled up inside his chest but he couldn’t let it out. Whether he was forcing it down or unable to express he wasn’t going to question. 

He just went quietly back to finishing up the spaghetti. 

The steps had become a flat task, no longer full of the (albeit angry) passion he had for wanting to treat Joshua and himself to a homemade meal. It had just become lifeless. So when it was finished and plated at the table he didn’t even feel like he accomplished anything. Just exhausted and that other deeper wounded feeling. 

He walked to Joshua’s bedroom door and knocked softly, “Hey...Uhm...dinner’s ready...Let's eat okay?” 

There was no reply for a moment and Benrey continued. “Come on, dude. It’ll get cold and you don’t like cold noodles…” 

Another bout of silence. Benrey shut his eyes and sighs before going back to the kitchen, looking at the dinner table with two still steaming plates of spaghetti. He sat down and ate his own, trying to not fall apart in the remains of the ruined evening. It didn’t work. 

When he was finished eating, calming the stifled sobs, and fanning away the deep indigo sweetvoice from the air, he saved Joshua’s plate of spaghetti in the fridge. And went straight to bed, curling up on the left side, his side, of the bed.

He pulled the rightside’s pillow to him, and yanks the sleep shirt from under it, clinging it to him. He pretended he could still smell Gordon on it, even though it had been several years now that it had been worn. In this vulnerable place, he hugged the pillow and shirt to himself. 

“Fuck” he cursed, “Gordon...I wish you were still here.” He barely whispers, knowing if he spoke any louder the sobs would return. 

The next morning the tension in the air could be cut with a knife. 

Since Joshua was suspended till the next week both of them would be stuck in the house with each other. And already it seemed like an insurmountable task. 

Benrey sat in the living room, legs over the arm of the couch and looking at the TV as brain-dead episode after episode played. He wasn’t really watching it, just using it as something to do. Joshua was at the dining table, eating some cereal he had gotten for himself. His bowl was near overflowing which made sense considering he hadn’t eaten any dinner last night. 

They did not talk. They barely acknowledged each other’s presence. Joshua out of spite or leftover anger. And Benrey out of pain and guilt. 

Both of them carry on the day that way, the events of the previous night weighing heavier and heavier on them, a kind of dread that this might continue forever hanging on to their every move. When they both made separate lunches. When they changed activities. When Joshua went outside to play and then came back. Everything was tinged with the memories of the words they said to each other. 

Evening comes again, and Benrey returns to the living room when he stops in his tracks, seeing Joshua on the couch playing with a hand-held console. Joshua looks up at him and they meet eyes for the first time in several hours. Joshua is the first one to look away, lowering his console as he did so. Benrey looks away as well and then moves to sit in a chair near but not next to Joshua. 

“I..” he tries to start, breaking the silence and opening the can of worms neither of them wanted to open, “I’m sorry.”

Joshua looks up again at Benrey’s turned face, finding no tricks or deceit in his expression. 

“I’m sorry I can’t raise you like you deserve. I’m... I’m bad at this. I’m bad at being human enough to teach you how to be human. You deserve better. You deserve Go-” he stops himself, holding back just enough so that he doesn’t break too soon. “You deserve your Real Dad. But I can't be that for you. I can only be me. And I’m trying my hardest.” 

Joshua listens and then with regret says, “You’re doing okay. I...I said some mean things that I don’t really mean. I was just...So Angry. I’m sorry.” 

Getting a reply at all is a relief to Benrey, feeling some of the tension between them wane, but this isn’t over yet. There is more. “What...What happened at school?” 

Joshua gets quiet again and brings his feet up onto the couch, turning himself into a ball. “It’s Nothing.” 

Benrey waits a moment and then, “That’s not true, Joshua.” he says softly, trying not to use any sharpness in his voice. 

Joshua doesn’t answer again for a while until- “Carson at school called me a rude word because my dad is dead. He called me bastard because it means my dad isn’t around. And then told me my dad would have stayed alive if he loved me enough. So I got mad and I called him a rude word back and then hit him.” 

Benrey realizes so suddenly why Joshua had been so riled up, so angry when he got home. Not only was he hurt where he’s most vulnerable, but he also was using anger to cover up the pain. Benrey feels ridiculous for not seeing the exact same behavior he does in Joshua. 

Benrey gets up from his chair and then sits next to Joshua on the sofa, wrapping an arm over Joshua's shoulder. 

“Your dad...loved you so much. He like, was a pro at loving his one and only son. He showed off your baby-picture at work and called you his pride and joy. He was so crin- uh...dorky like that.” Benrey reminisced. “He didn’t want to leave you. I promise. He didn’t mean to leave you.” 

Joshua leaned into the side hug, putting aside the game system and tucking himself close to Benrey, arms wrapped around him as far as they could go. “Can you tell me more about him?” 

Benrey thought about all the things Gordon and He went through. The Lab. The Resonance Cascade. The trip to the Lambda Lab. The teleporting. Xen. And then the afterward where they reconciled. Became close friends. And then fell in love. Just remembering it made the bottled feelings from earlier return, but now less wounded, more tender and fragile. He let a stream of emotion come out in a hum, Joshua watching the sweetvoice swirl around them. And he calmed with the lessened pressure. 

“Yeah, of course, little dude. Anything for you, Joshie.” 

“Thanks dad.”


End file.
